SELF PORTRAIT

in college, my humanities professor asked us to make a self portrait. nothing fancy, she said, but just try to illustrate ourselves at how we perceive ourself.

which of course got me to thinking of how i see myself, and more importantly, how others perceive the ME that i see.

i remember staring hard at the blank white page in front of me and just trying to come up with something good, i was never much of an artist and i was bent on trying to capture the good side of myself.

i took the assignment home. i had to think about it.

i went home, sat in front of my mirror and just started staring at myself. my dark curly hair was a complete mess, coz driving around in the hot and humid un-airconditioned car around campus made me look like a madman....my eyes had bags underneath...i had a pimple growing on my cheek...heck! it wasn't the best assignment, come to think about it.

one assignment magnified my physical flaws times 100. i felt like i was under a magnifying glass. damn, what a nice self portrait i'm trying to make!

i remember saying to myself, 'i don't care'...so i drew.

i drew myself how i wanted myself to be. i didn't draw how i was at the time, but how i wanted to BE at the time. i was a far cry from self contentment...but i passed my humanities assignment anyway.

fast forward -

right now, five years later, i've realized i've had it all wrong. if some college professor would ask me right now to make a self portrait, i'd get a black marker and draw a big question mark. not because i don't know how to describe my present self, but because i can never describe myself in just ONE picture.

i'm still the same insecure girl i was before...i am still haunted by the physical things in me that i find 'wrong'...but at the same time right now, i am a girl confident in what i have. it's normal to want...to dream for something more...to hope for something better for us...BUT realizing that what we have is maybe something that another person wishes for, is enough for me to realize that maybe the self portrait i made five years ago was actually the ME i wanted to convey.

maybe i didn't make her up, the girl in the self portrait in my humanities class. maybe she was always in me. the beautiful, confident and flawless girl i've always wanted to be. maybe i had a glimpse of the girl behind the bad hair day, eye bags and the pimples...

kudos to the old me...for even though i never realized what i was trying to draw...maybe in the back of my mind i was hoping i was ALREADY the person in the picture.

SUNDAY AFTERNOON BOREDOM

talk about boredom, half the day gone and still here i sit in front of my computer...i actually have lots of things to do considering the fact that i have an unfinished book waiting for me on my unmade bed...i have my dirty car begging for a carwash...i have my groceries piled up and waiting to be cooked! i mean, i can do whatever i want but still here i sit in front of the computer contemplating the allure of boredom.

i am such a geek once you think about it.

sitting in front of the computer when the sunny California sunshine is beckoning is not exactly what a normal person would do. i guess i've always figured myself to be a homebody. and besides, being broke ain't helping either.

ANYWAY...at this time of desperation...at this time of ultimate boredom... my hand conclusively and impulsively reaches for the pack of Marlboro Lights. only to find myself stopping midway and remembering that i am trying to quit. call it new year's resolution. call it self improvement.

"yawn!"...what a day! still more to come and still more nothing to do.

SUNDAY MORNING BLUES

don't you just hate it when you wake up early on a Sunday morning?

i mean, i went to bed at midnight last night, and i was expecting a long luxurious sleep. but unfortunately, it never came.

i used to be able to sleep until noon, or way into the early afternoon...and now i'm wondering whatever happened to that person. i've always wondered why grown ups always woke early. and now i guess i'm turning into one.

nay...i think i AM one.

the thing with me is that i never acknowledge myself as a full-fledged adult. even though i've been doing the "adult thing" for quite some time now. i mean, i still play video games, watch cartoons, for heaven's sake my phone has Tony Hawk on it and resembles pretty much a gameboy...! but in the back of it all, i'm adult with real responsibilties.

what is an adult anyway, but a big kid able to buy most of the things they want...flashy cars, expensive watches, leather purses, clothes...small toys become big toys...plastic cars become real ones.

what is wrong with me anyway...?

it's sunday morning and here i am pondering if i myself am an adult...come to think of it, it's not something a child would do. why, why, why is it so hard to accept the fact that i am growing up....i mean AM a grown up?

i guess, i just need some coffee...or maybe some hot milk to satisfy the child in me.

FRENCH VANILLA MUMBLINGS

ahhh...the pure joy of sipping coffee and smoking a ciggy...a good time to write...

people come and go, and it's amazing how one second you spend most of your time with them...or maybe thinking about them, and then the next second...they're gone.

i'm not talking about death, or anything tragic like that...i'm just simply stating a fact of life that people seem to come and go, and leave marks in our life.

or maybe not. some i think are just better off forgotten...

i have had a couple of people "stop by" and it's funny how i attribute "some" of my maturity to them. i guess as we grow up, people just keep on passing by and you get to learn which ones you'd want to say HELLO to again, and some you'd rather say your final goodbyes.

i remember reading a book by Robert Fulghum..."All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten"...and as i look back now, he had a pretty good point!

here's an excerpt from that phenomenal book (which i've read for like more than 5 times!) --


All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten
By Robert Fulghum

All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten. All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned:

Share everything. (Oli's thought: though being greedy has it's good points SOMETIMES...we can't hide the fact that there's a sense of reward in sharing even the smallest things...from a puff of your cigarette...25 cents...a sip of your favorite drink...or a piece of your chicken...there's just some satisfaction we derive from sharing a piece of something we enjoy.)

Play fair. (Oli's thought: though sometimes when we play fair we get stomped on, pushed around, and bullied - we can't negate the fact that there is a sense of accomplishment when you knew you played clean and fair...may it be in the playing field, the workplace, or matters of the heart.)

Don't hit people. (Oli's thought: but what if they hit you first? what would Robert Fulghum say? well, i say...if they hit you pretty hard, and keep hitting you...i say take a deep breath, give it your best shot and swing away! don't stand down and receive the blows...sometimes, one good hit is enough to bring our self confidence back up.)

Put things back where you found them. (Oli's thought: i never was much of a kleptomaniac, so i strongly agree to this. but sometimes, seeing a hundred dollar bill laying around and no one is looking...i don't think it would hurt to bend down, pick it up, and pocket it. but when you do know it fell from the pocket of the person in front of you...have a conscience at least.)

Clean up your own mess. (Oli's thought: AMEN to that! in life we keep accumulating 'dirt'...and i think this phrase goes a loong way...)

Don't take things that aren't yours. (Oli's thought: of course there's the allure of the forbidden, but i say we could always have something that SOMEBODY else has, and we could get it only if we work hard enough for it...or maybe we could just be content on what is OURS...)

Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. (Oli's thought: saying sorry is one of the hardest things to do. but it helps. as for me...i just take a deeeep breath and blurt it out...it definitely feels good, especially if i knew i was wrong.)

Wash your hands before you eat. (Oli's thought: this is sooo true, literally and NOT.)

Flush. (Oli's thought: Out with bad in with the good. Flush out the bad, intake the good...of course metaphorically speaking.)

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. (Oli's thought: no matter how old we get, we always need comfort food. but right now, a french vanilla and a ciggy puts me right into comfort zone...)

Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. (Oli's thought: easy to say and never easy to do...sometimes we get so caught up in the work part, that we forget to play, sing, and dance. i've always envied a child. they're so carefree, they can dance when they want, they can sing wherever and whenever, and they get to play all the time. work was not in the picture. bills and responsibilities were not in the picture. it's so easy to overlook the fun stuff when we get bowled over by the grown up stuff. resolution? sing more. dance more. play more.)

Take a nap every afternoon. (Oli's thought: i wish i had this luxury!)

When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. (Oli's thought: TRUE. TRUE. TRUE. how often we dream of being independent...only to find ourselves lost in a chaotic world. it's always helpful to have somebody by our side, not necessarily guiding us...but accompanying us as we experience the world.)

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. (Oli's thought: i know! geez, i'm still amazed by that. but seriously...i guess it helps to know the reason for some things...and best to leave somethings to WONDER...)

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we. (Oli's thought: it's the hard truth...it's life...no matter how depressing it is to think about...we can only hope we get to have a good life...maybe run around the mill like the white mouse...or reach up to the heavens like the little seed in the Styrofoam cup...)

And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK. (Oli's thought: it certainly helps to look in a world that can blind side you...)

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living. (Oli's thought: i guess the mind really accumulates stuff...coz sometimes when i least expect to know something, it just pops out! algebra, trigonometry, econometrics, good manners, dinner etiquette...etc etc...i guess they're all stored up in there...good to know my brain never fails me during crunch time.)

Take any of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had a basic policy to always put thing back where they found them and to clean up their own mess. (Oli's thought: U-HUH!)

And it is still true, no matter how old you are - when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. (Oli's thought: AMEN.)

good stuff huh? complicated things could be summed up so easily when you scrutinize them at this point of view. good to know we've been armed to handle the punches and blows of life when we were 5 or 6 years old.

the world is a tricky place. but i guess we overrate it too much. maybe life wasn't supposed to be as complicated as we make it out to be.

but going back to my initial musing of people coming and going...taking into account that i have only ventured out of my shell two years ago, i am still amazed at how people can be forgettable and unforgettable. i'm amazed at how they can just waltz into your life one day and just leave a memory...may it be good or bad.

i find myself wanting to go back to the shell i've so learned to love. but i guess it can never be. i am so hammered in by the life i have now that it's impossible to ever get back to the state of unknowingness.

which brings me back to Robert Fulghum and his amazing thoughts...i guess THEN and NOW are never different. of course, we've grown up, on to bigger things, meet new people...but how we handle things never change. they SHOULDN'T change.

SO...

to connect my two thoughts...on meeting people in life and dealing with life as we've learned from kindergarten...i guess, the way i see it, we mature...and the people we surround ourselves with, affect the way we perceive ourselves and the world we move in. and no matter how many people come and go, and no matter how our life seems to change, i guess we should try to hold on to the basic principles of what we WERE.

i guess, it doesn't hurt to try to delve into our naivete, no matter how long we've been devoid of it.